Worry: Known to all, loved by none

I know a girl, well I believe it’s a she, but I could be wrong. Chances are that you know her too. Her name is Worry, yep worry.

I met worry at the beginning of my teenage years. It was a friendship that started seemingly innocent, but one that will be difficult to stop and will continue into my adult years.

My teenage years were filled with a lot of uncertainties, as expected of someone learning about life, so it was no surprise I formed a friendship with worry. I felt her “what if” questions were positive considerations, concerning the situations I faced.

“What if the school you applied to doesn’t work out?“

“What if you don’t get the grades you need?”

What if you get sick before that final exam?

“What if that boy doesn’t like you back?”

These questions were so logical that I didn’t see any issues with them. Well, till it was too late.

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The concept of female privilege.

Him: hello how are you?

Me: I’m fine

Him: are you going to flic-en-flac?

Me: yes, i am

Him: same here, can I give you a ride?.

Me: ohh okay that’s so nice, thank you.

it wasn’t until I entered that I realised two things: 1) I just entered a stranger’s car, 2) I was the only one he picked up.

let’s not focus on the first part, I know my mum after reading this will call to “talk” to me about the dangers of doing that.

The second part, I was the only one he picked. I wasn’t the only person at the bus stop, but I was the only female at the bus stop.

One advantage of Twitter is the large expanse of knowledge that can be learnt, from important stuff to the downright stupid, everything is at your fingertips.

In this case, through a long thread, I learnt the concept of female privilege.

“Female privilege” is the concept that women have certain advantages within society for no other reason than the fact they are women. It is often combined with pretty privilege.

Before this day, I never took notice of this, or if I did I either chalked it up to favour, people just been nice or the way it is. On some days it can be favour and helpful behaviours from people no doubt, but to a large extent, could this simply be because of my gender?.

When talking about the female gender, the conversation focuses on the horrible experiences and struggles we faced daily and rightly so. However, there might be some favourable aspects of being female that are not talked about, for different reasons.

Now back to my scenario, we are currently on a lockdown which means that the public transport system is operating on a skeletal service, hence why a lot of us were waiting.

Seeing a “free help” after waiting for close to an hour for a bus was God sent.

A free help others would have appreciated as well. The sad reality is this is a daily occurrence for some men, as for others the concept of Male privilege applies.

For a lot of women, this situation happens all the time, in other to other areas as well, that it’s mundane to talk about it, much less make a blog post about it.

Well true. Kindly blame my lack of interesting activities for this.

My aim in sharing this is not to brag about this, but to share how this is has helped put similar situations things like this in perspective for me and hopefully, it has for you too.

P.s I was aware of how horrible that ride could have gone. So for safety purposes, I asked the said man to drop me at a popular supermarket a bit far from home, near the police station.

Hypocrisy: What Derrick Jaxn situation taught me.

Last week it was exposed that Derrick Jaxn has been cheating on his wife for a long time. If you do not know him, he is a self-proclaimed relationship guru/expert, whose YouTube videos are for women who want to get the ”right” man.

I was a subscriber of his Channel for a while and I watched several of his videos, so it was a shock honestly to find out that he was a cheater. Been a cheater isn’t necessarily the problem nor is it the reason why countless people are upset, but mainly because some of his videos were also about spotting a cheater with advice to not forgive one.

So finding out that not only is he married, (yes it was a fact he hid), but that has been cheating almost the length of his relationship with his wife. So if you watch the various reaction videos since the news broke, that is the focus of the backlash he has been getting.

Basically, he has been preaching what he wasn’t doing. So after a couple of days to get over my disappointment, I will be sharing 5 lessons this situation has taught me.

Filter what you hear. There are a lot of people who claim to be so knowledgeable. The Job of an influencer and motivational speaker increases every single day. Some share really helpful facts and but the majority don’t. The problem is that these speakers mix their false information with so many fluent English words, that it gives the illusion of being right.

Looking back, some of what Derrick Jaxn shared had elements of truth to it, let’s give him that, but most were simply good oratory skills. .

So for every advice not just relating to relationships, it is profitable to filter what is shared.

Not all that glitters is true. This is an old-age proverb but it still rings true today. Our world is filled with so many packaged realities that it’s sometimes difficult to know the truth. Coupled with the desire to show off on social media, we see people doing extreme things to belong.

These influencers/speakers are aware of this craving and they indulge in it. They create the illusion they want you to see, just to profit from your desires, and ohh profit they do. This man has written 6 books of which 3, talked about ”a cheater’s heart”. All 3 were sold out a month after they were published. He was invited to interviews and talk shows, he was given advert contracts, all based on the illusion he created, which was an honest black man happily married with kids.

I belong to the “God when” group I won’t deny, but I came to realize that there are situations behind the camera I do not know, so It’s safer not to pray to have them, I only God when desires and goals of my own. This is what you should do as well

Do what suits you. This isn’t solely for relationships but also for life in general. We know how our lives are, what are our needs, therefore we are the only ones who can decide what will suit us best.

I was reading the comment section on his IG coming clean video with his wife and a lady was sharing how hurt she was. She left her boyfriend at the time, based on the advice he had given in another video, Only to find out what he had said was wrong, and he may have been worse than her ex, which now hurts her deeply.

We can easily judge this lady, but a lot of people do this as well. These speakers won’t be called influencers if there isn’t anyone to influence. Some people take what they say religiously.

Do what suits your life, your needs, and your relationship. I personally only listen to advice that I believe in, but i also realize that sometimes they will say things i don’t agree with. In such a situation i scroll past. Relationship advise especially from social media should be taken with a pinch of salt, it is funny how people don’t do this.

You won’t allow a doctor who just graduated to operate on you if you had the choice, nor will you allow a chef to change the light fixtures in your home, yet people listen to anyone with little to no experience that shares advice.

This buttresses my first point, by filtering what you listen to or read you will be able to know what to accept and what to reject.

Communication. One of the problems we face today is our failure to communicate, again not just for relationships but generally as well. A lot of times we have needs and wants but find it difficult to communicate them. This creates a market for speakers and self-proclaimed gurus to suggest other ways to get what you want.

If you ask my loved ones, I’m not the best communicator of my wants, I either deny it or try to and solve it. instead of sharing. However, when I do talk, I either get it solved or I get more insights on how to achieve it. We thank God for constant growth in this area.

This also applies to all relationships, we want to know what the other is thinking, instead, we buy books, listen to podcasts that claim to tell us what our loved ones are thinking. 90% of the time they don’t get it right.

Sadly as long as people don’t communicate, there will always be a market for books in this area.

Take time to heal. Like i had previously said most self-proclaimed experts believe they are more knowledgeable. They then look for people who they can prey on and groom into believing this These are men and women who due to various traumatic experiences, do not see the best versions of themselves, leaving them open to be manipulated and exploited by these people.

Taking time to heal involves knowing that you have scars that need to be dealt with. Unfortunately, some scars are harder to deal with than others. Most will always be a part of your existence, but regardless taking the time to heal will protect you from such wolves with sweet words.

This healing won’t be instant, for most people like me it will be a daily journey. However, one positive reminder is that every day takes us closer to the best version of ourselves.

Purchasing books and paying for podcasts from manipulators will leave you worse than when you began. This is because they need you to be at your lowest to constantly need their content. So making you the best version of yourself, will not be on their plan.

Finally, this was not aimed to bash him, but to share what I re-learnt from this. I do hope he gets the help he needs and does not spiral out of control.

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Post covid: How did the lockdown change you?

2019 ended the way most years do, with lots of festivities and fanfare. There was emerging news about a novel virus spreading in China at the time however, most people myself included, did not think anything of it. Why would we? There are over 20 different viruses in the world.

Alas, how wrong we all were. By March 2020 the whole world was in an unprecedented lockdown.

It is a year this month and the effects of this virus are still been felt by everyone, as most countries are currently on lockdown albeit partially.

So to mark the ”one-year anniversary”, I asked 5 people to share (anonymously) their experiences from last year and how the lockdown changed them.

What was your reaction to the lockdown?

It was terrifying I won’t even lie. I was scared to the point that I started experiencing symptoms of covid due to panic😂😂

P.P

A bit scary, as it had not happened before. No one knew what was happening or what to expect.

B.J.A

At first, I said it was normal I could do it. Then when it went on for weeks it became something else. Staying at home became really boring.

Getty

At first disappointed, then I became frustrated and worried. Now having lived through the last year’s lockdown, I am (mentally) better equipped to deal with this one.

T.C

What was your routine like during the lockdown?

Exercise, eat, sleep, movies and read.

Ozi

Sleep, watch movie, eat, and chat online.

P.P

Sleep, take some online courses then chill with Friends(housemates).

B.J.A

Wake up, cook, eat, watch movies, sleep some more.

Getty

I had none really. The days all seemed to blend together and I couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

T.C

Did the lock down change you in anyway? If yes, how?

Not really, I don’t think I changed in any drastic way.

Ozi

Yes. Before lockdown I was overly caring, giving 100% energy to people that just gave me 20%. I always held onto grudges, constantly looked for validation from people that did not even matter. However, after lockdown it became clear to me that life is short, I should put myself first and take self-love seriously. Now I forgive easily for my sake, and their validation no longer matters to me. I now return the same energy people give, just the exact amount. And yes, I laugh more 😁.

P.P

I guess I learnt how to be extra clean.

B.J.A

Yes, it did. I got to realize I did not know my so siblings well. The lockdown gave us time to know each other more.

Getty

It made me appreciate the blessings in my life more, my family, friends, and even my stable financial resources. It also helped me strengthen my relationship with God. When I was alone in a house with no one to turn to, God was there and He kept me sane.

T.C

What are the things you will have done differently pre-covid?

Nothing really.

Ozi

Same, nothing different.

P.P

Taken more care of myself.

B.J.A

Going for more parties with no fear.

Getty

I would have definitely established a routine😂 and contacted my loved ones more frequently.

Then placed more trust in God and be more optimistic.

T.C

Now there are available vaccines, will you take them?

No I feel it has not been tested enough.

Ozi

I really don’t know if I would or not.

P.P

I’m indifferent.

B.J.A

Yes, I do not want to be Infected.

Getty

No, I don’t want to die😂 Those vaccines are sketchy af.

T.C

If you read till this point, yaayy.

Like every Youtuber will say, Don’t forget to share, comment, and subscribe to my blog Anwuliii

Mental health: How are you doing?

You are going to make it. It may be hard, but you are going to make it.

Maybe you feel you are one step away from drowning in an endless body of water and nothing you do would be able to stop what might inevitably happen?

Or possibly what you feel isn’t that drastic. It could be you simply see yourself as a hamster, on an endless rollercoaster of worries, anxieties, fears, responsibilities, with a break of 5mintues, just enough time to catch your breath before the next rollercoaster starts again.

However, no matter the scene you picture yourself in, one thing is certain, you are left feeling tired and drained every day.

I know this because I have been there, still there. The sad part is 8 in every 10 individual you meet is currently going through something similar.

The world is getting tougher every single minute, jobs are been lost as companies are going through economic downturns, most countries are facing economic recessions, people are losing their families and homes, a lot more people are getting sick. With the addition of the covid-19 pandemic, an already bleak world is looking bleaker and bleaker. We now live in a world more isolating than how it began.

All the more reason why protecting your mental health is important.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had to review just how important protecting my mental health is. How easy it is to feel the iron-clad strength slip away and try as you might, it can’t be stopped.

While you try not to ride the tide of endless negative emotions, one thing that can drag anyone down is the feeling that no one would understand, that you don’t have the “right” to complain, to feel how you do.

Why? Because you believe that with each complaint, there are people who are in life situations worse than yours.

Then you begin to wonder, ” why am I complaining about?”. ” why am I placing my burden of how I feel on others?”

Then you resolve to keep it to your self, till it eats you up slowly.

Perhaps that’s not your dilemma, maybe it’s simply not having someone you trust enough to be vulnerable with.

I’m here to share with you what I try to remind my self every morning, “your feelings are valid, every single one of them. Most importantly you are stronger than what ever you are going through right now.”

Unfortunately, I don’t have any quick-fix solution, if I did I would be very rich right now.

What I do know is, one day when you look back it will be with a simile on your face, for the battles you faced and won.

I hope it helps. Your partner in the fight for mental strength.

Love and hugs.

Remember to reach out to someone and check on someone today.

I also write here: http://www.anwuli.com

Òlòturé: a glimpse into the sex trafficking world.

Sex trafficking and mass rape should no more be seen as women’s issues than slavery was a black issue, or the Holocaust was a Jewish issue. These are all humanitarian concerns, transcending any one race, gender, or creed.

Nicholas D. kristof and Sheryl WuDunn

I joined this party very late I know. However, since it’s still fresh in my mind, this is the best time to write my thoughts concerning the movie Òlòturé.

This is a Netflix movie that is based on the account of an undercover journalist, who investigated a sex trafficking ring in Nigeria.

The movie with its bits of exaggerated acting, is meant to give viewers a glimpse of the horrors that exist in the sex trafficking world from the comfort of their homes.

This isn’t a review about the actors and what should or shouldn’t have been included in the movie, as I’m sure a lot of people have done this.

This is to focus on the message that the movie is trying to pass across, the dangers of sex trafficking.

It is a hushed topic as no one wants to admit this happens, but it does. According to the United Nations’ International Labour Organisation, an estimate of 3.8million adults and 1million children are victims of sex trafficking. This was in just 2016 alone.

Due to the unavailability of accurate data in Nigeria, it is difficult to know the exact number of Nigerians that are trafficked every year.

If I’m to make a guess tho, 2 in every 5 women trafficked overseas is a Nigerian. The US Department of Justice agrees with this, as Nigeria is routinely listed as a country with a high number of trafficked victims to Europe and the USA. Basically, there is a Nigerian victim in more than 34countries.

Sadly, we live in a country where basic amenities are unavailable, yet the cost of living continues to rise. This forces us to believe we should do everything to earn a living.

In a quest for a better life, these traffickers, prey on their nativity with false promises of a better life. 90% of victims are unaware of the true intent of their “sponsors” till they arrive in Europe, with no means to escape.

They are trapped in an unexpected world in which they have to survive. Survive they do, as there are no viable means to escape.

Limited financial resources and the psychological trauma they experience, both play a role in ensuring this.

When you listen to the narrations of rescued sex trafficking victims, there is one common element. Most share how their “sponsors” take them to a fetish man to perform ritualistic acts on them. This they say would have a negative effect on them should they attempt to escape.

In addition to the Lack of financial assistance, the fear of been killed by the “dark forces“, solidifies their entrance into the never-ending world of prostitution.

Never-ending as the men and women who have been entrusted by law to protect them, are the perpetrators of such activities.

There is no supply if there is no demand, (the simple rule of economics), and these “customers” demand and pay outrageously for such activities. It is estimated that profits from forced labour was $9billion in 2017.

These people in positions of authority provide traffickers with the money and legal protection in ensuring these women are sent out.

This was adequately depicted in the movie when a politician hosted a sex party, where he drugged and raped Òlòturé.

However, you don’t need a movie to tell you what goes on behind close doors. The gut-wrenching narrations from the rescued victims tell a far better story than any movie shown on Netflix can.

I was torn all through while watching òlòturé. I was trying to merge the existing laws I study, (an annoying habit I must say), to what I watched and the articles I have read so far.

It is scary to think that the law has been incapable of doing its job, ensuring justice and protecting the victims. Prosecutions by the US Department of Justice dropped to 230 in 2018, down from 282 in 2017.

In Nigeria, it is difficult to know the rate of prosecutions, if any, due to the absence of accurate data.

Now while you watch or re-watch òlòturé, do not simply see it as an entertaining movie on Netflix in need of ratings, but a glimpse into the life of the countless and faceless victims of sex trafficking.

See it as someone’s story, because it is.

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Saving tips for students

Is it normal to have enough money one minute and be completely broke the next?” I voiced out in frustration to a friend.

As a student, juggling your academic commitments with a social life is a constant effort. Having an enjoyable social life without money? Not possible.

One of the areas a lot of college students like me, struggle with is finances. This has been made worse with the economic effects of covid-19.

To navigate the occasional “broke” times, here are some hacks that you might find helpful. You may have seen some tips in other articles if so, you can consider this as a refresher.

Read more here

If you liked what you read, kindly like, share and comment ❤️

Complicated realities of dating as

I’m a millennial. If you are reading this, chances are you are too.

So let’s discuss the complicated realities of dating and finding love as a millennial.

Read more here

Living a positive filled life

Welcome to the month of December. I know this is coming really late, forgive me.

It’s been three weeks since my last post. I was finding it very difficult to scribbling my thoughts down. Writer’s block maybe?

To distract my self, I began a self-taught journey on how to set up a website. I believe I had overused my free WordPress.com domain.

*Now has been moved to: www.anwuliii.com*

This past few weeks I have spent a lot more time with my friends, mainly to get their input on my new website and it is the Christmas season after all.

On this particular day, our conversation drifted to comparing certain aspects of Nigeria to Mauritius.

Reminiscing about some aspects of Nigeria we miss is a favourite past time for us, this day was no exception. We continued this till someone, a non-Nigerian, asked: “if Nigeria was so good, why did we leave?”

This was meant to be a sub, but I honestly couldn’t give an adequate answer.

Living here has not been an easy adjustment, from not having access to your favourite provisions, the language barrier, their overly casual way of living. You are never without things to complain about.

Till we look at the whole picture.

I might be breaking a cliques code saying this, Mauritius has been good. I have felt very safe walking around even in the night, met lovely people, experienced growth in most of the areas of my life. It has not been all gloom and doom.

I have come to realise that, as long as you focus on the negatives in a situation, all the things that could go wrong, everything would be negative.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Focusing on the negative aspects of a situation is easy almost like a first instinct, I do it a lot as well. It seems that our minds actively stays on the things that aren’t working, what could go wrong, rather than the positives.

Is this healthy? Not in the slightest.

After this incident, I began reflecting on how much my complaints has not allowed me to adequately enjoy the aspects that are working in this country.

Applying this “new-found” knowledge into other areas of my life, I began to realise just how much I have focused on what I do not have, than the testimonies so far and what is still possible.

This is not to downplay whatever you might be going through, as it might just be the craziest and downright unfair situations known to man.

Instead to offer support and a little “hand-holding” while we find the tiniest positives in the situations together.

I hope it helps.

It might be worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

Mike Rawlings

If you enjoyed this, kindly like, follow and share. See you next week.

Discrimination in Africa?

Whew! this week was tough. It’s coming to the end of this year yet there are still a lot of aspects to catch up on, from course works to notes and some necessary social activities.

It was just like yesterday when this semester began.  Now we are counting down to Christmas and praying against another covid-19 lockdown.

Earlier this week, an incident happened that was infuriating and would be the subject of what I’m writing about.

Discrimination.

Like most universities, the employability department regularly conducts events aimed at preparing students for life after university. This could be CV clinics, job fairs, or in this case, having an alumni speak at a workshop.
This workshop was of particular importance to my friend and I, as it was aimed at sharing what we can expect after our LLB. So we went for it.

The issue occurred two days after.

The media team took some pictures of the participants who attended. We were the only international students in attendance, so it was very surprising to see that the only picture used, (out of 9 pictures of local students that were posted on the university’s official pages) was very unflattering.

The issue wasn’t that it was a single picture of us that was used (as we honestly would have preferred not to be posted), but that among the numerous pictures that were taken of us, it was the most unflattering image that was selected.

This particular picture painted a view of two very uninterested and dishevelled students, which was in contrast to the other local students who looked cheerful and interested in what was said. Was this the true situation? No, it was not.

To say I was upset would be putting it mildly.

What was clear to us was whoever selected those pictures had an apparent bias that led to such a choice.

Stop, just stop.

Discrimination is a topic that is generally talked about by people. It comes in various forms, the most popular being racial discrimination. However, not much is said about prejudice even within Africa, especially towards immigrants.

It is commonly assumed that the oppressed cannot be racist and discrimination is the preserve of white people and the powerful. But genocide and ethnic cleansing in Africa have put the lie to these assumptions. Virulent attacks on immigrants and refugees testify to the fact that those of us who have been discriminated against know how to give those whom we consider the “other” — and an economic threat — the same if not worse treatment.”

Rhoda Kadalie writing in Business Day

It never occurred to me that I would experience this within Africa. There is a general dislike for Nigerians (which in some cases is understandable) which I prepared myself for, but to experience discrimination based on the colour of my skin within a predominantly black skin continent was something I had not expected.

This experience as unpleasant as it was, reminded me of other situations where segregating words and actions had happened to me.

A consistent example occurs while boarding the public transport. There have been situations where people of a ‘lighter skin tone‘ would not want to share a sit with you. You can see the reluctance on their faces when faced with the option of sharing a space with me (or another foreigner), with others opting to stand instead.

Sadly this behaviour is done by both the uneducated and the educated. One would expect that with an education and exposure to a different way of life (as some studied abroad), a certain level of empathy would be shown. This is not so. Rather it would seem that it’s the skill of subtly concealing this bias that was learnt.

Concerning the incident, my friend who was the calmer one offered to speak to one of the media team and a promise was made to take it down. 

This has not happened up till now.

Having lived here for over a year,  I have become impassive to experiences such as this. One of the perks of human nature is our ability to adjust to things, even unpleasant situations.

One day, hopefully I would be able to share tips on how to deal with such situations. Or maybe the prejudice would end among humans and there won’t be a need for such.

I know, don’t roll your eyes, it’s a false wish.

One thing is certain, a lot more has to be said about discrimination within Africa.

Have you experienced prejudice within and outside of Africa? You can share in the comments section.

If you enjoyed this post, kindly like, follow and share with others.

 “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.”

Herman Melville